Full house?

Being pregnant with our fourth child was bittersweet… Knowing my husband was getting a vasectomy shortly after our fourth was born…

Now our fourth child is almost six weeks old, I have to say goodbye to the pregnancy chapter of my life.. My husband got snipped last week… No more high risk pregnancies, no more of that newborn smell, no more of that ‘glorious glow’ (which I swear is just sweat) haha, no more of that wonderful feeling of feeling the baby kick and move..

I love being pregnant, it is such a magical thing. How amazing it is making and growing a human being inside of you… It truly is a wonderful experience, even with the extreme heartburn all day and all night, the constantly going pee every 5 minutes, the horrible itching all day and all night and that is thanks to Intraheptic Cholestasis of pregnancy… As much as I hate being high risk, I would do it over again in a heart beat…

I thought I would be happy with having my husband get a vasectomy, but I can’t help feel like that door is closed forever… Sure it can be reversed, but we also don’t have 5000 dollars just to put down on surgery…. four kids are enough, kids are expensive, I just love making them, growing them and raising them into great human beings..

So while I get frustrated at how much my 6 week old is cluster feeding, or always wanting to be held all day and all night,  or how I haven’t had a shower in 2 days and I smell like baby puke, I will always remind myself that these cuddles don’t last forever.. In fact, it goes pretty damn fast, really in a blink of an eye!

I know this because our oldest is almost a teenager! 😐 It truly does go by fast, so I will treasure these moments ❤

Not sure how to feel…

My husband and I were talking about jobs and such, and he said if I was an RN he doesn’t think I would be happy as an RN because of the frustrations that come with the job and that I wouldn’t be happy. I am a PSW, and he said that I used to complain all the time when I came home from work. And he thinks I don’t like being a PSW and just do it because it pays well. Then he points out it was the same thing when I was in school for massage therapy. I finished my second year, and I got pregnant so I had to work full time to get the 600 hours to get the year off on maternity leave. I have the third and final year left to do for massage therapy and I don’t want to go back. It doesn’t interest me anymore. I’m not sure why, but it doesn’t. But he made sure to point out that I know don’t want to do massage therapy anymore, so he thinks I just do personal support worker because it’s a job. Not because I like it.  Just because we may get frustrated at your jobs sometimes, and come home and tell your SO about how bad your day was doesn’t mean you don’t love your job. Everyone is going to have good days and bad days at work. That doesn’t mean you are just doing that job because it pays well. Yes I did get frustrated and annoyed a lot when I worked in my last nursing home, because of management and how they treat us like shit and expect so much and we get no appreacation and that comes with the job, any job really. But you can only handle so much!

If I didn’t want to be a PSW I wouldn’t still be a PSW after 4 years since graduating from the program  I love my job, and sure I do get frustrated at times, but like I said that comes with any job. It really upsets me that he thinks this way about me! Like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

But once I pointed out he got frustrated and always came home complaining about his day, he had an excuse. Oh that was because I was getting burnt out and I was working too much. Of course, he can say he doesn’t think I like being a PSW, and really that means, I think you shouldn’t be a PSW, but when I throw it back in his face, it’s a different reason and an excuse, but he should be and will always be an RN  blah, blah… Men! I tell ya!

 

Maybe  I will just sit on my ass and complain about that LMAO…

 

To go back to LTC or back to the Community

I am a PSW, and I love my job. I love working with the elderly, I love hearing their stories, over and over lol. When I first started as a PSW I was working in the community, and I was working for Red Cross (later called Care Partners) I did it for 2 years, working 7am-10pm 12 days a week and only getting every other weekend off, and those were my days off in the entire month. I had, had enough and got a job at LTC. I loved it when I was doing my placement, I loved the fast paced. So I applied for a part time position at a nursing home and have been there ever since. But I am currently on maternity leave, I have 4.5 months left until I have to go back to work. So knowing those months go by fast, I have been searching for daycare. That has been a struggle because there is no one willing to work around my hours for LTC. We found someone for daycare, she does it Monday-Friday 6am-6pm. So then my husband and I thought maybe working back in the community would be better for the daycare hours. But it is a 4 dollar an hour pay cut from working in the community verses to working in a LTC. My husband is an RN at a mental hospital and he either works 7am-7pm or 11am-11pm. It is almost an hour drive to his work, and when he working the day shift he always works overtime tip 11pm. So I thought maybe working a night shift in the nursing home and then dropping my child off at daycare and sleep during the day and pick him up in the afternoon. But then my husband wouldn’t be able to do any overtime when working a day shift.

I absolutely love the dementia and Alzheimer’s floor in LTC. I love the behaviours, I feel like I flourish there. Of course, working on the locked unit comes cons like getting punched, kicked, spit at, scratched at etc.

Working in the community, I felt more like a maid than a PSW. yes, granted in the care plan you a re required to do ‘some light housework’ like doing the dishes, sweeping the floor, cleaning the bathroom but some clients take advantage of it and order you do a whole house clean and then they don’t want a shower/bath. Some clients are only on the CCAC for socialization, and I like those visits because they talk about their past, how they grew up, they talk about their children etc. But you get paid 4 dollars less an hour working in home care than in a nursing home, plus working in the community you have to pay for your own gas, plus wear and tear on your car. Yes you do get paid Kms from client to client, but it is definitely not enough.

So I’m not sure what I am going to do, I definitely don’t want to work 12 days before getting a day off, so maybe I already know my answer lol

Thanksgiving Dinner 2015

As we just finish making out stuffing and stuffing it in the turkey, and putting the turkey in the oven, this year we have much to be thankful for. We are not religious by any means, but we celebrate all holidays by just getting together with our family and speeding valuable time with them, as we are all bust throughout the year. This year our third child almost died, as some of my previous posts have stated. He was hours away from dying had we had gone back to the hospital in the afternoon instead we went into the morning, and the doctor ordered a complete CBC and then was immediately admitted. Although that is in our past, and some families have dealt with wise situations then we did, we are truly greatful that we still our baby and he is doing well… We have gone through a lot as a family this year, but I am not surprised what so ever on how we handled everything. I am thankful and happy that our other two older children handled this past year extremely well. They might of got pushed to the side while we dealt with our baby in the hospital for a few weeks, they handled it very well, and they understood, but it was still sad to see. Now their baby brother is 7 months on Oct 14th and they still love him and want to help me anyway they can. Some days I am stressed because of the lack of sleep, since the babe still gets up every few hours at night, the other older children take it in stride. If you Noa and Chloe ever read this some day, it does not go unnoticed. I appreciate everything you do, and how you help me, and how you try not to get upset when I am frustrated and stressed. My parents have also been helpful, anytime they can they watch the babe so my husband and I can go on a date night. And my husbands dad and step mom has helped me out a lot, while the babe was colic until he was 4 months, when he was 2 months they took him every friday for a few hours so I could relax and not get too stressed and not go crazy. That definitely helped me out a lot. But my time was spent packing because we were moving to a bigger house lol … All in all we had a great year thus far, and have much to be thankful for.

Growth Spurt or UTI

My 6 month son who has VUR, seems to be going through a growth spurt, I hope! When he was 10 days old he was diagnosed with having urosepsis, and the days leading up to that he was sleeping all the time and never wanted to eat. He almost died, so now when he goes through a growth spurt and sleeps more than he usually does I get so anxious and nervous and I just hope its a growth spurt and not the start of another uti. This has made me into a paranoid mom, even though our family doctor and paediatrician said I’m not a paranoid mom, and I have a reason to feel this way! It just scares me that he has been sleeping so much it makes so worry! ugh damn you urosepsis and VUR!!

Not sure of the career path I want to follow

When I left my children’s father, I was 24, had worked at Tim Hortons for 10 years at that point, I had no future to look forward to. So after the court dates were settled and a thing of the past, I enrolled in school. At first I just did some upgrading on my bio, chem and math. Then I always knew I would make a great PSW. But I wanted to go the 4 credits I needed to graduate high school. So I wen to an adult learning centre, and got those 4 credits I needed and I was finally able to get my high school diploma. Then I went into getting my PSW diploma, and 4 years later I am still a PSW. After that I registered into a pre-health science course because I wanted to be a nurse, but I had always struggled in math and fractions are my enemy. So I decided not to become a nurse, even though I think about it a lot. I decided to become a RMT. I always enjoyed giving massages, and when I registered for the program I was dating someone for a month, and had no idea I would end up marrying him, but I knew being an RMT would give me the freedom of having a life with my children with me being a single mom.

But life happened, and my husband and I decided to try for a baby, his first after we got married. I didn’t think it would happen so so soon. We got pregnant after 5 months of trying, and then I had to stop going to school and work almost full time so I could make sure I had those 600 hours to get the year off on maternity leave. So I finished my fourth semester and I have five and sixth semester left to finish and graduate the massage therapy program. I was already getting burnt out in the fourth semester, and my husband and I were talking about if I should take off some time to re charge anyways. I should of graduated in April 2015, but I didn’t go back for the fifth semester in Sept 2014 because I was working. Now its been a year and a little bit since I’ve been out of school, and having been in school for 5 years straight I am just so burnt out. I am not sure I want to finish that one year left. But then I have 41.000 in student debt that would really be for nothing if I didn’t go back. Being a  PSW is a fine career and it pays decent (really for the amount of work we have to do, we get paid shit, but that’s another story)

I don’t want to feel like a failure if I choose not to go back, and I also don’t want me husband to think I am a failure because I don’t want to go back. He has said that I don’t need to go back if I don’t want to. I just feel like I would have all these people and ex’s thinking and looking down on me that I wasn’t good enough, not smart enough o pull that off and to become an RMT. I know those are my own insecurities shining through, but then I also have those hateful words in the back of my head of what an ex said, that I would never amount to anything, I am a nothing and will always be a nothing.  But most of all, I don’t want to feel like a failure to my children and my husband because thats what is most important.

So I’m not sure as to what path I’m going to lead into, I just hope I will be supported in any decision I make.

Back to school

Now that the first week of school is in, and my children are getting into their routine. They have simply forgot to do their chores right after school and instead of doing their chores they go outside and play with their friends. They are eleven and ten and one has to clean the kitchen and the other child has to clean the living room, sweep each of the room and make sure their room is clean. Not too much, so I showed them a chore lit of what their age should be doing. They were astonished at how much they should be doing. But they quickly forget how easy they have it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love cleaning, it makes me feel better, it clears my head, but when I have a 6 month old to deal with all day who has been cranky and clingy cleaning makes it hard to do.

So I just breathe and try to remember they are just kids and they want to play. But I want to teach them and get them ready for when they live on their own, so they aren’t slobs! hahaha