Not sure of the career path I want to follow

When I left my children’s father, I was 24, had worked at Tim Hortons for 10 years at that point, I had no future to look forward to. So after the court dates were settled and a thing of the past, I enrolled in school. At first I just did some upgrading on my bio, chem and math. Then I always knew I would make a great PSW. But I wanted to go the 4 credits I needed to graduate high school. So I wen to an adult learning centre, and got those 4 credits I needed and I was finally able to get my high school diploma. Then I went into getting my PSW diploma, and 4 years later I am still a PSW. After that I registered into a pre-health science course because I wanted to be a nurse, but I had always struggled in math and fractions are my enemy. So I decided not to become a nurse, even though I think about it a lot. I decided to become a RMT. I always enjoyed giving massages, and when I registered for the program I was dating someone for a month, and had no idea I would end up marrying him, but I knew being an RMT would give me the freedom of having a life with my children with me being a single mom.

But life happened, and my husband and I decided to try for a baby, his first after we got married. I didn’t think it would happen so so soon. We got pregnant after 5 months of trying, and then I had to stop going to school and work almost full time so I could make sure I had those 600 hours to get the year off on maternity leave. So I finished my fourth semester and I have five and sixth semester left to finish and graduate the massage therapy program. I was already getting burnt out in the fourth semester, and my husband and I were talking about if I should take off some time to re charge anyways. I should of graduated in April 2015, but I didn’t go back for the fifth semester in Sept 2014 because I was working. Now its been a year and a little bit since I’ve been out of school, and having been in school for 5 years straight I am just so burnt out. I am not sure I want to finish that one year left. But then I have 41.000 in student debt that would really be for nothing if I didn’t go back. Being a  PSW is a fine career and it pays decent (really for the amount of work we have to do, we get paid shit, but that’s another story)

I don’t want to feel like a failure if I choose not to go back, and I also don’t want me husband to think I am a failure because I don’t want to go back. He has said that I don’t need to go back if I don’t want to. I just feel like I would have all these people and ex’s thinking and looking down on me that I wasn’t good enough, not smart enough o pull that off and to become an RMT. I know those are my own insecurities shining through, but then I also have those hateful words in the back of my head of what an ex said, that I would never amount to anything, I am a nothing and will always be a nothing.  But most of all, I don’t want to feel like a failure to my children and my husband because thats what is most important.

So I’m not sure as to what path I’m going to lead into, I just hope I will be supported in any decision I make.

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My life with a husband who loves to work and do tons of overtime

When I started dating my husband I was so not used to a ‘man’ working, let alone working tons of hours and doing overtime.

Here is my back story; I started dating this guy when I was 15, and he was 19. We moved in together when I was 17, and I got pregnant at 18 and I had my child when I was almost 19. Though he worked then, he would say he was working overtime but later I found out he would leave work early and go to his buddies house and get high (pot, cocaine) We then moved in with his family and within a year and a half we had two kids, and here in Canada if you work at least 600 hours in a 52 week period you can take a year off on maternity leave. Well with both my kids I was able to have that year off, but with my first I had to go back to work when he was 8 months old, and my second I had to go back when she was 2 months old. Because he rarely worked, he would call in sick all the time, and obviously we had bills and children to provide for. Well then we moved out on our own, and within a year we had to move back i with his family because he actually quit his good paying job to play World of Warcraft! So that meant I somehow had to pay for rent, hydro, water, gas, groceries, car payment, car insurance, gas for the car to get to and from work, anything the kids needed, on a 800 dollar pay cheque every two weeks. So after a few months of moving back in with his family he still played WoW all day long while I was working two full time jobs, and I had, had enough plus he was abusing me in all forms and the day I left him was the day he choked me in front of our children.

So now back to my story!

So when my husband and I started dating he had just been an RN for a few months, and I remember him telling me he feels rich because he wasn’t used to making so much money from a job. But then he moved in and then had to provide for my two children, myself and him. From someone coming from just him and spending his money on whatever he wanted after bills were paid he soon realized he wasn’t so ‘rich’

Now 3.5 years later he is still doing his regular hours and lately is working a lot of overtime because we recently moved into a new house and the rent is 200 dollars more a month, but its 4 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms which is what we need with 3 kids now. As well as my husband 2007 car which is bought new when he started his BScN is now falling apart and is now leaking gas. So we now have to get a new car and will have 2 car payments. Since I’m on mat for another 6 months and getting 1360 a month, he needs to go so much overtime to make sure he can cover the new car payment.

We relationship/marriage is strange, he is the one who loves to spend money where as I don’t like spending money and I try to save it as much as I can. I am not sure if that is because I have been a mother for almost 12 years, and I rarely had any money for years, plus I don’t like spending money on myself. Which my husband makes sure I do because he says I make sure everything is done in the house and I am a home provider for our children at the moment and I do a lot for myself, and I should treat myself.

So I decided to do this blog today, because in the peat two weeks I haven’t seen my husband, expect on his days off when he decides not to do overtime. He leaves at 530am and is home around 8pm, but if he decides to do a 16 hour shift he doesn’t get home until midnight, and up to go back to work and leave at 530am again. Then he texts me today and and says he didn’t get overtime today (of course its a stat holiday so everyone showed up for their shift because its double time) but tomorrow is his day off and he says I’m working 4 hours tomorrow and then we are going car shopping. I was not frustrated but upset because also the past two weeks our infant has been teething and going through a growth spurt. He will be six months next week, and he is up every 2-3 hours at night and then only naps two times throughout the day for 30 mins. I am exhausted, and I was hoping he would get up all night so i could sleep because I am starting to not be able to focus and I have been getting a constant headache that is from the lack of sleep. So I express this to him, and he said I’m doing so much and that he will get up with him all night and that he will just be tired while at work. I appreciate that, but its more the 45 mins drive to work and from work I’m concerned about, him driving while getting up with our child.

As much as I would love to sleep through the whole night and sleep in at times, I know my husband is doing all this overtime so he can provide for his family for the necessities we need and for the things we want. ❤