Full house?

Being pregnant with our fourth child was bittersweet… Knowing my husband was getting a vasectomy shortly after our fourth was born…

Now our fourth child is almost six weeks old, I have to say goodbye to the pregnancy chapter of my life.. My husband got snipped last week… No more high risk pregnancies, no more of that newborn smell, no more of that ‘glorious glow’ (which I swear is just sweat) haha, no more of that wonderful feeling of feeling the baby kick and move..

I love being pregnant, it is such a magical thing. How amazing it is making and growing a human being inside of you… It truly is a wonderful experience, even with the extreme heartburn all day and all night, the constantly going pee every 5 minutes, the horrible itching all day and all night and that is thanks to Intraheptic Cholestasis of pregnancy… As much as I hate being high risk, I would do it over again in a heart beat…

I thought I would be happy with having my husband get a vasectomy, but I can’t help feel like that door is closed forever… Sure it can be reversed, but we also don’t have 5000 dollars just to put down on surgery…. four kids are enough, kids are expensive, I just love making them, growing them and raising them into great human beings..

So while I get frustrated at how much my 6 week old is cluster feeding, or always wanting to be held all day and all night,  or how I haven’t had a shower in 2 days and I smell like baby puke, I will always remind myself that these cuddles don’t last forever.. In fact, it goes pretty damn fast, really in a blink of an eye!

I know this because our oldest is almost a teenager! 😐 It truly does go by fast, so I will treasure these moments ❤


Not sure how to feel…

My husband and I were talking about jobs and such, and he said if I was an RN he doesn’t think I would be happy as an RN because of the frustrations that come with the job and that I wouldn’t be happy. I am a PSW, and he said that I used to complain all the time when I came home from work. And he thinks I don’t like being a PSW and just do it because it pays well. Then he points out it was the same thing when I was in school for massage therapy. I finished my second year, and I got pregnant so I had to work full time to get the 600 hours to get the year off on maternity leave. I have the third and final year left to do for massage therapy and I don’t want to go back. It doesn’t interest me anymore. I’m not sure why, but it doesn’t. But he made sure to point out that I know don’t want to do massage therapy anymore, so he thinks I just do personal support worker because it’s a job. Not because I like it.  Just because we may get frustrated at your jobs sometimes, and come home and tell your SO about how bad your day was doesn’t mean you don’t love your job. Everyone is going to have good days and bad days at work. That doesn’t mean you are just doing that job because it pays well. Yes I did get frustrated and annoyed a lot when I worked in my last nursing home, because of management and how they treat us like shit and expect so much and we get no appreacation and that comes with the job, any job really. But you can only handle so much!

If I didn’t want to be a PSW I wouldn’t still be a PSW after 4 years since graduating from the program  I love my job, and sure I do get frustrated at times, but like I said that comes with any job. It really upsets me that he thinks this way about me! Like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

But once I pointed out he got frustrated and always came home complaining about his day, he had an excuse. Oh that was because I was getting burnt out and I was working too much. Of course, he can say he doesn’t think I like being a PSW, and really that means, I think you shouldn’t be a PSW, but when I throw it back in his face, it’s a different reason and an excuse, but he should be and will always be an RN  blah, blah… Men! I tell ya!


Maybe  I will just sit on my ass and complain about that LMAO…


Growth Spurt or UTI

My 6 month son who has VUR, seems to be going through a growth spurt, I hope! When he was 10 days old he was diagnosed with having urosepsis, and the days leading up to that he was sleeping all the time and never wanted to eat. He almost died, so now when he goes through a growth spurt and sleeps more than he usually does I get so anxious and nervous and I just hope its a growth spurt and not the start of another uti. This has made me into a paranoid mom, even though our family doctor and paediatrician said I’m not a paranoid mom, and I have a reason to feel this way! It just scares me that he has been sleeping so much it makes so worry! ugh damn you urosepsis and VUR!!

Not sure of the career path I want to follow

When I left my children’s father, I was 24, had worked at Tim Hortons for 10 years at that point, I had no future to look forward to. So after the court dates were settled and a thing of the past, I enrolled in school. At first I just did some upgrading on my bio, chem and math. Then I always knew I would make a great PSW. But I wanted to go the 4 credits I needed to graduate high school. So I wen to an adult learning centre, and got those 4 credits I needed and I was finally able to get my high school diploma. Then I went into getting my PSW diploma, and 4 years later I am still a PSW. After that I registered into a pre-health science course because I wanted to be a nurse, but I had always struggled in math and fractions are my enemy. So I decided not to become a nurse, even though I think about it a lot. I decided to become a RMT. I always enjoyed giving massages, and when I registered for the program I was dating someone for a month, and had no idea I would end up marrying him, but I knew being an RMT would give me the freedom of having a life with my children with me being a single mom.

But life happened, and my husband and I decided to try for a baby, his first after we got married. I didn’t think it would happen so so soon. We got pregnant after 5 months of trying, and then I had to stop going to school and work almost full time so I could make sure I had those 600 hours to get the year off on maternity leave. So I finished my fourth semester and I have five and sixth semester left to finish and graduate the massage therapy program. I was already getting burnt out in the fourth semester, and my husband and I were talking about if I should take off some time to re charge anyways. I should of graduated in April 2015, but I didn’t go back for the fifth semester in Sept 2014 because I was working. Now its been a year and a little bit since I’ve been out of school, and having been in school for 5 years straight I am just so burnt out. I am not sure I want to finish that one year left. But then I have 41.000 in student debt that would really be for nothing if I didn’t go back. Being a  PSW is a fine career and it pays decent (really for the amount of work we have to do, we get paid shit, but that’s another story)

I don’t want to feel like a failure if I choose not to go back, and I also don’t want me husband to think I am a failure because I don’t want to go back. He has said that I don’t need to go back if I don’t want to. I just feel like I would have all these people and ex’s thinking and looking down on me that I wasn’t good enough, not smart enough o pull that off and to become an RMT. I know those are my own insecurities shining through, but then I also have those hateful words in the back of my head of what an ex said, that I would never amount to anything, I am a nothing and will always be a nothing.  But most of all, I don’t want to feel like a failure to my children and my husband because thats what is most important.

So I’m not sure as to what path I’m going to lead into, I just hope I will be supported in any decision I make.

Back to school

Now that the first week of school is in, and my children are getting into their routine. They have simply forgot to do their chores right after school and instead of doing their chores they go outside and play with their friends. They are eleven and ten and one has to clean the kitchen and the other child has to clean the living room, sweep each of the room and make sure their room is clean. Not too much, so I showed them a chore lit of what their age should be doing. They were astonished at how much they should be doing. But they quickly forget how easy they have it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love cleaning, it makes me feel better, it clears my head, but when I have a 6 month old to deal with all day who has been cranky and clingy cleaning makes it hard to do.

So I just breathe and try to remember they are just kids and they want to play. But I want to teach them and get them ready for when they live on their own, so they aren’t slobs! hahaha

My life with a husband who loves to work and do tons of overtime

When I started dating my husband I was so not used to a ‘man’ working, let alone working tons of hours and doing overtime.

Here is my back story; I started dating this guy when I was 15, and he was 19. We moved in together when I was 17, and I got pregnant at 18 and I had my child when I was almost 19. Though he worked then, he would say he was working overtime but later I found out he would leave work early and go to his buddies house and get high (pot, cocaine) We then moved in with his family and within a year and a half we had two kids, and here in Canada if you work at least 600 hours in a 52 week period you can take a year off on maternity leave. Well with both my kids I was able to have that year off, but with my first I had to go back to work when he was 8 months old, and my second I had to go back when she was 2 months old. Because he rarely worked, he would call in sick all the time, and obviously we had bills and children to provide for. Well then we moved out on our own, and within a year we had to move back i with his family because he actually quit his good paying job to play World of Warcraft! So that meant I somehow had to pay for rent, hydro, water, gas, groceries, car payment, car insurance, gas for the car to get to and from work, anything the kids needed, on a 800 dollar pay cheque every two weeks. So after a few months of moving back in with his family he still played WoW all day long while I was working two full time jobs, and I had, had enough plus he was abusing me in all forms and the day I left him was the day he choked me in front of our children.

So now back to my story!

So when my husband and I started dating he had just been an RN for a few months, and I remember him telling me he feels rich because he wasn’t used to making so much money from a job. But then he moved in and then had to provide for my two children, myself and him. From someone coming from just him and spending his money on whatever he wanted after bills were paid he soon realized he wasn’t so ‘rich’

Now 3.5 years later he is still doing his regular hours and lately is working a lot of overtime because we recently moved into a new house and the rent is 200 dollars more a month, but its 4 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms which is what we need with 3 kids now. As well as my husband 2007 car which is bought new when he started his BScN is now falling apart and is now leaking gas. So we now have to get a new car and will have 2 car payments. Since I’m on mat for another 6 months and getting 1360 a month, he needs to go so much overtime to make sure he can cover the new car payment.

We relationship/marriage is strange, he is the one who loves to spend money where as I don’t like spending money and I try to save it as much as I can. I am not sure if that is because I have been a mother for almost 12 years, and I rarely had any money for years, plus I don’t like spending money on myself. Which my husband makes sure I do because he says I make sure everything is done in the house and I am a home provider for our children at the moment and I do a lot for myself, and I should treat myself.

So I decided to do this blog today, because in the peat two weeks I haven’t seen my husband, expect on his days off when he decides not to do overtime. He leaves at 530am and is home around 8pm, but if he decides to do a 16 hour shift he doesn’t get home until midnight, and up to go back to work and leave at 530am again. Then he texts me today and and says he didn’t get overtime today (of course its a stat holiday so everyone showed up for their shift because its double time) but tomorrow is his day off and he says I’m working 4 hours tomorrow and then we are going car shopping. I was not frustrated but upset because also the past two weeks our infant has been teething and going through a growth spurt. He will be six months next week, and he is up every 2-3 hours at night and then only naps two times throughout the day for 30 mins. I am exhausted, and I was hoping he would get up all night so i could sleep because I am starting to not be able to focus and I have been getting a constant headache that is from the lack of sleep. So I express this to him, and he said I’m doing so much and that he will get up with him all night and that he will just be tired while at work. I appreciate that, but its more the 45 mins drive to work and from work I’m concerned about, him driving while getting up with our child.

As much as I would love to sleep through the whole night and sleep in at times, I know my husband is doing all this overtime so he can provide for his family for the necessities we need and for the things we want. ❤

Our life with a son who had Urosepsis and has Vesicoureteral Reflex

My third child, my husbands first had to be born at 37 week due to me having ICP – which is intrahepatic cholestatsis of pregnancy. After 37 weeks your risk of stillborn increases significantly. Anyways, so everything was fine and he was born weighing 6 pounds 9oz and 51cm. I was breast feeding and I made that my wish because I couldn’t with my other two.

Hawkston never really wanted to eat at the hospital. The nurses said it was normal, and that he would wake up to eat when he was hungry. I was pumping as well because I wanted to make sure I had lots of milk and I wanted to have a supply in the freezer. The nurses kept saying that they don’t eat a lot so whatever he was getting he was getting enough. He had jaundice as well, so they wanted to keep an eye on that as well. He was born just after midnight on a saturday and Sunday afternoon we were discharged, but he bilirubin had gone up Sunday morning. The doctor on call said to come back tomorrow morning to get his blood checked again and to check his weight.

So we came back to the hospital Monday morning, and he lost some more weight and his bilirubin had gone up again. So they called our family doctor, who told us to do the same thing tomorrow, but needed to start feeding every 2 hours no matter what. So Tuesday comes around and we go back to the hospital to check his weight and bilirubin. He lost more weight and his bilirubin was up again. So our family doctor said we needed to supplement with formula and to go back to the hospital Wednesday. Wednesday comes and they check his weight and bilirubin again and he once again lost weight and his bilirubin went up again. So we were told he needed to go under the UV lights, but we could do it from home. They gave us the UV machine and told us he needed to be on it 24 hours a day. And to come back tomorrow to check his levels and weight.

Well his levels were up again and lost more weight, so he needed to be on the UV lights again, in total it was 3 days he needed to be under the UV lights.

By day 9, I was so exhausted because of the strict every 2 hour feedings and going to the hospital every day and getting more upset and discouraged that nothing was helping my baby gain weight. So at day 9, after leaving the hospital in the morning we decided that I would stop nursing and I would continue to pump but just freeze it, and I would just give Hawkston formula, hoping that the formula would get him to gain weight and I was thinking something was wrong with my breast milk.

So the next day Hawkston is 10 days old, and once again we go back to the hospital to check his bilirubin and his weight. His bilirubin has gone down by a little, but now he has lost 2 pounds since he was born, and he was really sleepy that day. I mean he was always sleepy since he was born, but day 10 he was extra sleepy which we didn’t know why.

So they call our family doctor and he tells us to come in and he will get us to to figure out whats going on. We get to the doctors, and he isn’t really sure whats going on, so he told us to go back to the hospital and he ordered some blood work to check Hawkston’s WBC, RBC, electrolytes, sodium, potassium, a urine sample and a few other things.

We get back to the hospital and they do the blood work and put in a catheter in to get the urine sample. I wait for the results, and texting my husband throughout the day what is happening, because he is at work, at the hospital we go to.

So within an hour we had the results that Hawkston had a huge blood infection. So he was immediately admitted, and his perfusion was greater than a 7. Which is very bad, because it means that anything greater than a 7 means that blood and fluid isn’t going to the organs properly. He was set up on IV saline and 2 IV antibiotics until they did more testing to figure out what the blood infection is from. They were still waiting for the results from the urine. He also was put into the isolette incubator to get him warm and organs working properly. We were told if he didn’t come in when we did he would of died by the afternoon because his organs had already begun to shut down.

So I text my husband to let him know what is happening, he then tells his manager and explain what is happening and he got the ok to leave work. So he comes down to the peads unit to be with Hawkston and I. Dr. Roberts is the paediatrician that admitted Hawkston and she explained what they were going to do. They needed to do a lumbar puncture to see if he had bacterial or viral meningitis. They said we could stay there while they did it or we could leave. We both decided we didn’t want to see that, even though we are both in the medical profession, it is much harder to see and watch when it is your own child. My husband and I decided to go out dinner because we both hadn’t eaten all day.

I got back while my husband went home because my mom was watching our other kids, and Hawkston wasn’t in the room he was in when we left. He was now in the room right across from the nurses station, which I knew was a bad sign. It was now past the shift change, so the nurses looking after Hawkston through the night came to me and told me that he didn’t even cry when they did the lumbar puncture, which is never a good thing, so they wanted to watch him over night so he was across from the nurses station.

The next morning my husband came to the hospital because we knew Dr. Roberts was going to come by and talk to us. Dr. Roberts told us that the urine came back and he had a UTI, which caused the blood infection which is called urosepsis. She had ordered a brain ultrasound to help rule out meningitis since the lumbar puncture cultures take up to 5 days to confirm. As well as she ordered a kidney ultrasound to see if there was any damage to the kidneys. (both ultrasounds were negative)

So they where changing one of his antibiotics, but he was still going to be on 2 through IV. Dr. Roberts said he was in the hospital for a minimum of 2 weeks but could be longer. She gave my husband a doctors note explaining a parent needed to be there at all times. So he gave that note to his manager and took the last week he had left from that job (he got another full time job at a mental hospital with more money) and used up his stat holidays.

So we would take turns being there, though my husband would have to start his new job, so I would be there all day and all night until he got to the hospital and then he would sometimes stay overnight but then I would have to be back at the hospital for 5am so he could go home have a shower and leave for work. On his days off we would take turns spending the night there.

Hawkston was allowed to leave after 10 days, just in time for easter! We were a happy that we went from hours away from dying, to finally eating properly, to being able to get discharged a few days ahead of schedule!

Well a week later after Hawkston was discharged he had a low grade fever of 37.5C and wasn’t himself. So I took him in to the peads unit and they said they would do some blood work and do a urine sample again. The paediatrician working that day was Dr. Runkle and she said because my husband and I are in the medical field and we are amazing parents for being on top of things she felt it was ok that while we wait for the results, if there was anything to report that we could wait at home instead of admitting Hawkston and waiting. The blood cultures take 24 hours to come back and the urine takes 48 hours to come back. Well 2 days later my husband gets that phone call in the morning while I’m making breakfast that Hawkston has another UTI. my heart sank, we thought this would be a thing of the past, and wouldn’t have to think about it again. But we were also glad I knew something was wrong and took him to get checked. So back we go to the hospital. Dr. Gordon was the paediatrician who was working that day. They had tried 10 times to put in the IV but they couldn’t get it in. The tried in both sides of his head again, and had to re shave the spots they used the last time, they tried in both of his feet, in his forehand, both of his hands, and tried once again in his head. But once they got it in and flushed it, it would blow. So they decided that was enough and would put him on oral antibiotics.

So because he would be on the oral antibiotics they decided he only needed to be in the hospital one night to make sure he was taking the medication down and not throwing it up. He was on macrobid, but he was throwing it up so they put him on trimethoprim and he was ok on that.

So Dr. Roberts ordered a VCUG ultrasound to confirm if he had urinary reflux, because he has had 2 utis, they figured thats what Hawkston had.

Hawkston was 2 months old when he had the VCUG ultrasounds done, and my husband said he definitely had reflux, you could see if go back up to the kidneys. So about a month later we had an appointment with Dr. Roberts and she confirmed with us Hawkston has bilateral Vesicoureteral reflex. In his left ureter is a grade one, so the urine only goes up half way to the kidneys, his right ureter is a grade four, so the urine goes up right to the kidney, and thats why he had 2 utis by 1 month old.

So he has to be on daily antibiotics until he is around 5-6 then they will check by an ultrasound to see if he has grown into the ureters, if not they will have to do surgery to correct it.

We recently were referred to Sick Kids Hospital, because Orillia Soldiers sends their patients to Sick Kids when they can’t help them. The urologist at Sick Kids told us after Hawkston is 1 year old (that is in 6 months!) there is no scientific evidence that proves that it is beneficial to be on the medication longer than a year old. My husband and I are not sure about that because we don’t want to go through what we went trough already, I am already the paranoid mother that when Hawkston doesn’t eat for 24 hours I’m in the hospital trying to get answers as to why!

Hawkstons first few months of his life has been a roller coaster for us, but we honestly wouldn’t any other way! He kept us on our toes thats for sure!